To the fatties: don't give an inch

Aaron Timms, SMH.
October 8, 2007

THE BIG BLUFF
ANYONE who witnessed Australia's capitulation to the English on the weekend may be forgiven for asking: our fat guys are just as fat as their fat guys, so why was our scrum so bad? To watch our front row repeatedly collapse was to understand one thing: if this country is to prosper in ball sports, we need a better return from our fat athletes. We throw these people the lifeline of organised sport. The least they could do is be good at it in return.
Every week the Federal Government announces some initiative aimed at reducing childhood obesity. Harry Kewell is usually wheeled out on these occasions, presumably because the spectacle of a permanently injured Cockney telling them to "get out vere and be active, yeah" is precisely what the children of Australia need to throw off the shackles of their recumbency. But the premise underlying these initiatives is fundamentally wrong-headed. Being overweight is nothing to be ashamed of: you get to eat more, lie down more frequently, and are spared the ignominy of being put on the "skins" team at school sports events. Instead, the Government frightens young fatties into a regime of hyperactivity, willed vegetarianism and wanton toplessness.
Of course, some fat kids are beyond redemption. But far from consigning them to a life of guilt-laden 3am ice-cream runs and wheezing, couch-bound misery, we should be allowing their natural strength to blossom, by steering them towards the myriad fat-friendly careers this country can offer. Whether it be as a shot-putter, food critic, leg spinner, plumber, front row forward or casino security guard, there are countless paths to career satisfaction for the young and overweight. Like uranium or bauxite, fat people are a resource. Instead of reducing the number of fat people in our midst, we should be aiming to foster a unique national culture of overweight excellence.
Make no mistake: Australia has fat men in sufficient abundance to be a real force in international scrummaging. If our political masters act with courage and resolve, the day will come when we can stand locked shoulder to locked shoulder with the cream of the northern hemisphere's overweight and say: "There where you go, slowly and with mangled ears, so go we, even more slowly, and with even more mangled ears." If they do not, we will continue to suffocate at the bottom of the ruck, a nation of lettuce addicts in a world peopled with meat.
Today we all feel the pain of defeat. But from the pain of defeat comes wisdom; and from wisdom, ice-cream.

It appears there is hope in the not too distant future. High ranking sources have indicated that the IRB are looking at a way to make scrums safer and more competitive. The standard 'crouch, touch, pause, engage' is going to be replaced with 'crouch, touch, pause, engage, collapse.' The team to hit the ground first will be awarded the free kick, and if three scrums are 'won' in a row the free kick will be replaced by a penalty kick. It is thought that this system would be fairer to teams who don't pick good props. Australian coach John Connolly had this to say, "it's wonderful news, our props are weak and can't bind, but they sure are quick and should be able to hit the ground first." When asked if this may change the props he selects Connolly said, "well any time speed is a consideration you can't look past Lote "The Flash" Tuqiri. He's a fantastic player and could probably get a few tries playing loosehead."

Bravo, hear hear....