A wee joke to keep ya smilling

A Beer Before It Starts


A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the
TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it,
he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she
looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, " You waltz in here, flop your
fat butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around
like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron
all day long?

The husband sighed. "It Started!."

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served
them food and drinks.


As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that
he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could
just put up your trays, that would be super."


On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the
main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."


She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess.
I take orders from no one."


To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.


Tray-up b*tch.

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all sitting down with a pint of Guiniess when 3 flys landing in each other their pints

The englishman pushed is away and said 'im not drinking that'
The irishman pulled the fly out and downed his beer
the scot pulled the fly out, lifted to his face and shouted "spit it out, spit it out you bastard'

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard
walks past and looks up and says to the koala "Hey! what are you
doing?"

The koala says? "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the
little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a
few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is
'dry'and is going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls
into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little
lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard,?
"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting
smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then
fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has
to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree
where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and
says "Hey you!"

The koala looks down and says........


"Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Don't say we can't laugh at ourselves. Try to read in an Irish accent.


Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"



THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"