Pass this easy test and we'll find the right sport for you
INSPIRED by the AFL's proposed Respect and Responsibility DVD devised to educate and improve player behaviour towards women, the Australian Institute of Sports Development is designing a psychological profile test to help determine what sport best suits budding talent.
In addition to physical prowess, mental strength and attitude dictates how a sportsperson performs on and off the field. With sport stars becoming synonymous with sexual assault, drunkenness, drugs, organised crime and violence, the AISD has formulated the following draft of multiple choice questions to test the mental and moral health of rising talent.
You are having dinner in a restaurant when your date suggests you chew with your mouth closed. Do you:
A) Glass her face?
B) Demand she chew your food for you?
C) Call your mobster mate and arrange to have her rubbed out?
You are on tour when a stranger phones to quiz you about your next match. Do you:
A) Tell him not to ring again and hang up?
B) Ask him what odds he'll give you to throw the game?
C) Give him your Swiss bank account number and tell him to ring back after he has deposited $10,000?
A team mate leaves a disoriented message on your mobile saying he's depressed and scared he has taken an overdose. Do you:
A) Call an ambulance and go to his aid?
B) Call the team doctor and let him deal with it?
C) Go back to bed and resume having sex with his wife?
A drunk fan at a post-match party becomes amorous and won't leave you alone. Do you:
A) Take photos of the fan in the nude and post them on YouTube?
B) Pay the bouncers to throw the fan out rather roughly?
C) Invite your team mates to watch you having sex with the fan in the loo?
You break the rules while competing but no one seems to notice. Do you:
A) 'Fess up?
B) Say nothing but pull your head in and play by the rules?
C) Cheat again, cheat often?
The opposition calls you a lying, coke addicted, umpire-bribing cheat. Do you:
A) Return fire?
B) Report the outburst and call for a suspension and fine?
C) Plant cocaine in the opposition's locker and call the cops?
A streaker invades the field of play and runs straight at you. Do you:
A) Employ an Andrew Symonds-style shoulder charge?
B) Promise to pay her fine if she'll come back to your room after the game?
C) Tell Warnie to put his pants back on and go back to the corporate box?
You are in a red-light district when a gunman steps out of the shadows and starts firing at you. Do you:
A) Grab passing pedestrians and use them as human shields?
B) Heed the warning and pay your gambling bills on time?
C) Tackle the shooter and hold him until the police arrive, ensuring endless free publicity as a hero?
During the off-season the team doctor says he can increase your on-field performance by 20 per cent if you take a course of banned drugs that can't be detected by dope testing. Do you?
A) Demand a course that increases your performance by 40 per cent?
B) Agree to take the drugs but instead sell them on the black market?
C) Go into business with the doctor?
The bartender refuses to serve you any more drinks during a night out because you're drunk. Do you?
A) Flatten the bartender and start pouring your own drinks?
B) Pick a fight with the bouncers as you leave and wreck the joint?
C) Tell the bartender he'll get a $100 tip if he keeps his mouth shut and keeps pouring.
After a big night of booze and pills you are flagged down by a random breath-testing unit. Do you:
A) Use your superior agility and do a runner?
B) Submit to the test but use your contacts to lean on police and make it disappear?
C) Do the test, go to court and blame your mum for slipping you a pill that affected your judgment and booze intake.
Aspiring sports stars who score in the top 90 per cent in the mental and moral strength test will be encouraged to become golf or netball players, swimmers or track and field athletes.
Those who score:
80-90 per cent will be directed to soccer and tennis;
70-80 per cent scorers will be introduced to rugby union, rowing or basketball;
60-70 per cent to cricket;
50-60 per cent cycling;
40-50 per cent AFL;
30-40 per cent rugby league;
20-30 per cent sports journalism;
10-20 per cent umpiring;
and the 0-10 per centers to sports administration.
Those who fail to register a score can become player managers.
Pass this easy test and we'll find the right sport for you | The Australian
