A little sometink to go wid yer Guinness

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Brilliant!!!:iconrofl: Thanks for sharing WF :D

Paddy and Mick went looking for work.

Paddy: "Mick, theres a sign that says tree fellers wanted"
Mick: "That's no good, there's only two of us"

Rugby World Cup quarter-final in Wellington. Wales v Ireland.

10 minutes to go, Wales are leading 22-10.

Ireland on attack and have a lineout inside the Welsh 22. Ireland to throw the ball into the line.
Paul O'Connell makes the call. Vital for ireland to win the ball so o'Connell thinks he'll make the complicated call theyv'e been practising all week. A series of numbers, a couple of code words, then another code word.

Donnacha o'Callaghan says "F@ck, not me again".

Mrs. O'Reilly returned home from a vacation to France where she had taken a cooking class. She tells her husband Paddy she is going to prepare him a special meal and he is to go down to Sean's Market and buy two dozen escargot, which she explains to Paddy are snails. Mrs. O'Reilly admonishes Paddy to come right home, no stops at the pub, because she wants to have escargot for dinner. Paddy buys the snails and is on his way home but alas, his route takes him right by his favorite pub. Just one he tells himself. Well, perhaps another he says after having the first pint. The company is good, the tales are tall, and Paddy finds himself having three or four. As Paddy heads home he realizes it has become dark and knows his lovely wife will be waiting and sharpening her tongue for him. As Paddy opens the gate to home the porch light comes on and he hears the door begin to open. Paddy empties the bag of escargot on the ground and says in a loud voice "Come on now lads! You're almost there."

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy "Dellit" Murphy, looking like he'd just been
run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie"Brand" O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

The Irish rugby team were told they were playing Wales, so they all ran into the sea

Mick is the Australian Immigration office at the Embassy in Dublin demanding to know why his twin Paddy had been accepted into the skilled migration programme, whilst he'd been refused.

Officer: "Well Mick, your a turf cutter and we don't have any call for them in Australia. Paddy OTOH is a skilled pilot."

Mick "What the bejaysus are ye talkin' about, man? If I don't fookin' coot it, he can't fookin' pile it; can he noo?"

Little Johnny is in class when his teacher says:
"Johnny Connor, can you give me a sentence with the word 'contagious' in"
To be sure miss, "ta fella in ta house behind us is painting 'is house wit a two inch paint brush. My dad says 'Why is he using such a small brush, it's going to take the contagious to finish'."