"The 22 is our sanctuary"...
The International Rugby Board's decision to put the Experimental Law Variations on a worldwide trial has sparked violent protests in the Northern Hemisphere as police clashed with 'pro-old school' partisans outside Twickenham on Sunday.
The IRB announced on Thursday that 13 of the 23 ELVs submitted by the IRB's Law Project Group had been accepted for a worldwide 12-month trial period commencing in August.
Northern Hemisphere fans turned out in their droves to voice their opposition to the new laws in protest marches across the UK. In London, the long arm of the law was called in to subdue a group calling themselves "The Long Armers."
"This is ridiculous, we shall fight to the bitter end to save our game from these fair-weather fiends. Only a free-kick for hands-in? That's blasphemy!" shouted a man claiming that the law changes were the work of an Australian conspiracy to penalise teams that were used to playing in mud rather than on grass.
Protesters waving banners inscribed with slogans like "We love the long arm", "Save the maul" and "The 22 is our sanctuary" confronted Police who insisted that they stand five metres back before they crouched, touched, paused and finally engaged.
Meanwhile, in Sydney, representatives of SANZAR were greeted on their return from the IRB conference by scenes of jubilation as crowds skipped, danced and sang Australia's new number 1 hit single, "Wake me up before you tap 'n go go."
In recognition of the differing reactions to the ELVs, the IRB has proposed a new innovation where a choice of various options could be used to determine the laws to be applied in matches.
Option 1: "Your Laws or My Laws Option." At the pre-match coin toss, the winning captain shall have to the right to decide which laws are to be used.
Option 2: "Lucky Dip Option." Before kick-off, the referee shall place all the law variations into a hat, and the captains will alternatively draw three laws each.
Option 3: "Game Show Fun Option." The IRB will reveal the laws to used in a particular game in a live pre-game broadcast where a scantily clad, large-breasted woman shall spin a "wheel-o-laws" in front of a studio audience.
Option 4: "Secret Surprise Option". The referee will not reveal the laws to the players beforehand but will blow the game at his own discretion, applying new law variations as and when needed.
Option 5: "Locals Rule Option." The team hosting an encounter will inform the opposition, in writing, of which laws will be used, no less than 48 hours before kick-off.
"I think option 4 seems the most viable, since that's pretty much what's happening now, though personally I'd prefer option 3. " a spokesman for the New Laws Committee told the East Auckland Sunday Informer.
"We've also decided to change some of the out-dated terminology used in world rugby. 'Clubs' will now only be referred to as 'franchises,' and 'leagues' will be referred to as 'markets.'
"We're also thinking of following cricket's example and creating a 'Super League, er, I mean 'Super Market' in India where games will be 20 minutes long and tries will be worth 11 points."
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