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Greg Growden | July 3, 2009
RUCK & MAUL
Amazing Scenes Part One: When the Australian Rugby Union announced in July 2002 that they had lured Lote Tuqiri, one of the biggest names in rugby league, it was treated as a major coup. One anticipated dancing girls, brass bands and big balloons to accompany the announcement. When the ARU stated in a blunt three-sentence statement on Wednesday night that Tuqiri had been sacked, it was surrounded by great mystery. It left a similar feeling to being slapped with a wet fish. As the issue is now embroiled in a legal battle, prompting all parties to go silent, there are endless questions and loose ends - not the least of which is why Tuqiri was sacked and where will it all end up. There is a certain sadness in the fact rugby will probably not win out of this episode, especially if it leads to Tuqiri tackling the ARU in court. Each have their reasons and it is well known that the ARU has been vehement in stamping out unsavoury behaviour within the Wallabies fraternity. Nonetheless, it should not be forgotten that while Tuqiri has had his dramatic and contentious moments off the field, he did always put in on the field and was a proud Wallaby. Tuqiri was the main reason that so many fans followed the Waratahs and the Wallabies and he was the idol of many. The Waratahs hierarchy knows that he brought thousands through the gate, and you only had to be at any recent Wallabies Test to witness the reaction whenever the 'Dark Shark' had the ball to know that he was the people's choice. No matter who is right or wrong, he will still be missed by many of his Wallabies teammates and the fans. Hopefully rugby does not shun him.
Pieter de Vaudevilliers
Amazing Scenes Part Two: R&M can exclusively reveal that the South African Rugby Union is about to announce that they have succeeded in bluffing the entire international rugby world for well over a year and that Pieter de Villiers is not a national rugby coach but actually a professional stand-up comic. The announcement will be made in Johannesburg later this week when de Villiers will be accompanied by a drummer, who will go 'boom-tish' at the end of every de Villiers sentence, as an indicator that it is now time to giggle. If only we knew this beforehand, we could have all laughed uproariously at Springbok press conferences, rather than look at each other quizzically during his loony tunes act, when we would tap each other in the side and say: "Whatever he's on, we want some too." Then de Villiers would have received the right response when he uttered such hilarious lines as, "We went wild, wild, wild - some of the guys went wilder than that", and "I know dancing is a contact sport, but rugby is far from dancing", and, "If you want to run with the big dogs, then sometimes you have to lift your leg", and then the finale of how he motivates the Springboks: "I'll tell them talk is cheap and money buys the whiskey." Obviously de Villiers is now looking at a London West End stage career, as he has really picked up the tempo since the British media arrived in his country for the Lions tour. As they poo-poohed Lenny Bruce, they are now poo-pooing de Villiers for pushing the boundaries by making comments which made it appear he condoned eye-gouging. How else can you explain such fascinating statements as: "If I am the weakest link, then we are bloody strong. I'm a God-given talent." Tick. Tick. Tick. Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo.
Not a bad Bastareaud
Amazing Scenes Part Three: There are also crazy goings-on with French player Mathieu Bastareaud, who is now a Paris psychiatric hospital after repeatedly changing his story about how he was attacked in New Zealand. One minute, he was belted at a Wellington cab rank. The next, he had fallen in his hotel room. Now there are claims he was involved in a brawl with a teammate. At least his Stade Francais club coach, Ewen McKenzie, has come to his defence, saying on the heavensgame.com website that "there are definitely concerns about his wellbeing". "He's not a conniving sort of bloke, so I don't think he is capable of developing all this subterfuge," McKenzie said. "He's only 20 and I know he's not a bad egg. I'd like to get to the bottom of how it all happened and whether he has been poorly advised along the way."
Rumours of the week
- Was there really a poster of Michael Jackson on the Gordon dressing room wall at Concord Oval last weekend?
- Did James O'Connor really receive the heaviest fine for his involvement in the Wallabies food-fight episode?
- The Waratahs should not give up on Berrick Barnes, as we hear he is still wavering about remaining at the troubled Queensland Reds.
Quote of the week
'I haven't got my balls in my hands often enough.'
Lions winger SHANE WILLIAMS explaining his form slump.
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