The paint can

[Happy]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Bunnings either".

[Mtbeaver]

Hahahahaha nice one, Happy

[LarryNJ]

Bob & Steve wanted to go out drinking; they only had $2.00
between them.


Bob said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one
large sausage.


Steve said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at
all!"


Bob replied, "Don't worry, just follow me."


They went into the pub where Bob immediately ordered two double
shots of Jack Daniels.


Steve said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we
will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"
Bob replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"


They downed their drinks.

Bob said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get
on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done, the bartender
noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.


They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all
for free.


At the tenth bar, Steve said, "Bob - I don't think I can do this
anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"


Bob said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the
third bar.

[Mtbeaver]

BAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHA

[Darren]

/me shakes head...

[LarryNJ]

Santa's responses

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend, Matt

Dear Matt,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare.
How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.
At least HE can spell.

Santa



************************************************** ***
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa


************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom,
who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
Let me send you some Lego’s instead.

Santa


************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,
a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay.
I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa


************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films.
I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses
of ****tail waitresses while losing money at
the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping,
do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible?
Good luck in whatever you do .
I'm skipping your house.

Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please,
PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks,
but that crap doesn't work with me.
You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

************************************************** **
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house.
How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky",
that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school.
Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like the bogey man
does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa

[Happy]

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend, Matt

your letter beaver ?

[fulvio sammut]

your letter beaver ?

No, the spelling's too good.

[Mtbeaver]

Hey Fulvio and Happy